Doctor Michael

MC - ThinkingDoctor

A useless thing I know about is how to solve other people’s problems. This week, I’m donning my (stolen) doctor’s coat and offering helpful solutions to the pressing concerns of four troubled readers:

Dear Doctor Michael,

I awoke this morning to find my husband dead on the kitchen floor. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t mind but we’re due to host an important dinner party tomorrow night and I know that his death would really bring the mood down if people were to find out. Is there anything I can do? Linda, 36

Doctor Michael says: Yes, Linda, I believe there is. You need to rent a copy of seminal 1980s documentary Weekend at Bernie’s, which details the exact steps one should take in this situation. I don’t want to spoil it for you but the first item you’ll require is a pair of sunglasses for your deceased husband to wear. Then, you’ll just need to get him to wave occasionally and possibly be part of a conga line at some stage. If my ’80s viewing habits are any guide, your guests won’t suspect a thing.
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Dear Doctor Michael,

There is a long history of brain aneurysms in my family. Just recently, I’ve started to experience severe headaches and dizzy spells. Should I get it checked out immediately? Rory, 42

Doctor Michael says: Good question, Rory, but there’s absolutely no need to bother your doctor with this issue. Doctors are busy people and they don’t need hypochondriacs like you wasting their time. Take two Junior Disprin and you’ll be fine.
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Dear Doctor Michael,

I suffer from debilitating agoraphobia. It’s ruining my life. What can I do? Nicola, 24

Doctor Michael says: Nothing to be concerned about, Nicola. Lots of people are scared of spiders. You’ll be fine.
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Dear Doctor Michael,

Recently, while repairing my girlfriend’s laptop after a trojan virus had infected the hard drive, I noticed numerous disturbing pictures of animals that had clearly been malnourished and mistreated. I could tell from the background that the pictures had been taken on her father’s farm. I really like her and I know that by reporting this mistreatment, her father will be in a lot of trouble and may even go to prison but I can’t let these animals suffer like this. What should I do? Andy, 26

Doctor Michael says: This is an easy one, Andy. You need to ensure that your girlfriend installs a good anti-virus program on her laptop. There are several good free ones available online that should prevent any similar problems in the future. Hope that helps.

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